


Nobasu ryoute ga yami wo idaku (I lean over, but all I embrace is darkness)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Knives, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14775858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: The sky above Tokyo was dark, and it had started raining. Not too strong, but as much for the window to be covered in little droplets.And Yamada amused himself by following their trails, seeing them slide lower, one after the other, incessantly.He sighed.He had started hating the sound of rain.





	Nobasu ryoute ga yami wo idaku (I lean over, but all I embrace is darkness)

_March_

Yamada looked out the window, distracted.

He had taken the bus that day.

It wasn’t something he did often; on the contrary, he couldn’t remember when it had been the last time he had.

But that afternoon he had decided to do so, without any good reason for it.

He had covered himself as good as he could, trying not to be spotted, and had gotten on, without even knowing where he was going.

He wanted to think.

And yet, it was like his mind was preventing him to.

The sky above Tokyo was dark, and it had started raining. Not too strong, but as much for the window to be covered in little droplets.

And Yamada amused himself by following their trails, seeing them slide lower, one after the other, incessantly.

He sighed.

He had started hating the sound of rain.

 

_February_

“I love you, Chii.” he told to the younger, slowly caressing his head, leant against his chest.

“I love you too, Ryosuke.” he replied, his voice relaxed.

Chinen smiled, and Yamada thought that with that smile on his face he looked even more beautiful than usual.

It was when he stopped smiling that the problems started.

And then he remembered they weren’t living a fairy-tale, and that things between them could never work, not as they were now.

When a few months before he and Yuri had ended up in bed together for the first time, the guilt had devoured him.

He kept thinking about Yuya, and meeting him at work hadn't made it any easier.

He saw him throwing looks of pure complicity to Yuri, he saw the way he loved him by the simple gestures, and he couldn’t help but feeling a monster for the way he and the younger had betrayed him, and still were.

Then he had just given the guilt up, because it was pointless.

Once in the same bed as Chinen, once tested the texture of his skin, once he had had him under him, around him, he hadn't been able to renounce to it.

And he had learnt to keep any thought of Takaki out of his mind, alongside anything reminding him that Yuri, once he would've gotten out of his bed, was going back home to him.

But every time he was left alone with his thoughts, every time he found himself in that house without the younger’s presence, the idea of the two of them together hit him, hard.

He had asked Yuri a thousand times to leave Yuya, he had asked him to love him, he had told him he could’ve made him happy, and that if he felt the necessity to go back to him, he didn’t understand why he should’ve still been with Takaki.

And Chinen had always been cryptic on the matter.

He kept telling him he loved him, he kept coming back for him, he kept letting Yamada fuck him as if Yuya didn’t even exist, but he still wouldn’t leave him.

Until, that day, Yamada had truly understood what the younger wanted.

 

_March_

He had lost count of the drops already fallen, there were too many now.

He just looked at them now, meaningless for him, pointless.

He was sure that, even if he had gotten off the bus, he wouldn’t have felt them on his skin.

Ryosuke was tired.

After all, maybe, he knew where he was going.

He was starting to recognize the streets surrounding him, that neighbourhood that had become so sadly familiar, and he had had to surrender to the fact that, even wandering aimlessly, his road always led him there.

He had lied to himself, but he knew where he was going, he knew what he was doing.

And there was no other solution for him.

He wanted that emptiness, that guilt, that pain to go away.

And there was only one way he could do that.

 

_February_

“I can't leave him, Ryosuke. Every time I decide to do it I look at him, I see his eyes, I think about the fact that he loves me and... I just can't.”

Yamada bit his lip, hesitating.

“But you don’t love him, do you?” he asked, almost afraid of the younger’s answer.

Yuri rushed to shake his head.

“No, you know that. I love you and no one else. But... we can't go on like this, you know that, right?” he murmured, then he crawled on Yamada’s bed, getting closer and wrapping his arms around his waist, pressing their foreheads together. “It’d take a way... a way I can be rid of Yuya, without causing him any pain. Because as much as I love you, I can't face it, and I’m sorry about it.  I can't cause him pain. Not me, Ryo-chan.” he whispered, and Yamada heard his voice echoing in his ears, while words turned into fantasy, and he finally realized what they meant.

It was like his heart had stopped, just for a second.

He had understood what Chinen was trying to tell him, what he had to do if he wanted the younger to belong to him, if he wanted him to stay there, without having to go back to Yuya anymore.

Yamada had understood.

And, as scared as he was, he wasn’t going to back out.

Chinen had always been a part of his life, for him it was like a drug which had always fascinated him without even trying it.

And when he had had him in his hands, when he had finally discovered how he tasted like, it seem unthinkable to give that up.

He didn’t want to let him go, no matter the price to keep him there.

They hadn't talked about it again.

There was no need to, no need to speak again what needed to be done.

Yamada had been thinking about it for days, it had soon become an obsession for him.

He saw Yuya at work and smiled to him, he acted normally, while he already imagined how he was going to take the man he loved, how he was going to take everything away from him, how he would've ended up being the winner of the whole situation.

He had waited until Chinen had told him, almost distractedly, that he was going to spend the weekend in Shizuoka with his parents.

That very same night, Yamada had gone at Yuri’s and Yuya’s place.

Once he had rang the bell, he had waited.

He had expected anxiety and horror to reach him.

Instead, he felt nothing.

He felt nothing thinking about what he was about to do, he felt nothing thinking about Yuya.

He felt nothing when the elder opened the door, looking confused.

“Yama-chan! What are you doing here?” he asked, curious.

Ryosuke waited to be inside before taking the knife out.

He could’ve rushed it, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment he had imagined so thoroughly during the past few days.

He didn’t want for Yuya to die, it was just a detail needed for him to have his life with Chinen.

He wanted him to know. He wanted him to know why he was dying, wanted him to know that Yuri didn’t love him anymore, that he cheated on him. That he felt even more humiliated.

He didn’t know when he had started hating Takaki, he just knew that he felt the need of proving to him he was the winner, to show him the naked truth, showing him that he was forcing him to do this because, in his mind, he should’ve realized that Yuri wasn’t happy with him, and was never going to be.

He should’ve let Yamada have him sooner, before he had been forced to take his life, and Yuri with it.

“I wish I didn’t have to, Yuya. I truly do.” he murmured, while the other backed off, his eyes wide in terror.

“Ya-Yamada... put the knife down.”

“I wish I could let you live, I wish I wasn’t forced to do this. But...” he got closer, brushing his sternum with the tip of the blade. “But you have something that doesn’t belong to you. Which belongs to me. And I can't let you live, or I’ll never be able to have it, do you understand that?” he hissed, sinking the blade enough for Takaki to truly feel it.

The elder’s eyes were filled with tears now, and his face looked more and more confused.

“No, I don’t, Ryosuke! What the hell are you talking about?” he yelled, his voice broken.

Yamada looked into his eyes, and what he saw made him feel sick.

He really didn’t know.

He sunk the blade into Yuya’s body, with no mercy nor grace.

“Chinen’s mine, Yuya.” he murmured, before the elder’s body gave in to death, collapsing on the floor and quickly staining it with blood.

That very same blood dirtying Yamada.

He couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want any trace of Takaki on himself, he didn’t want any trace of him or his presence anywhere.

He had torn him from the world, he was going to clean himself up and then he would've cleaned Yuri up as well from all signs of his touch, from every kiss, anything proving the elder having been on his body.

It was going to be alright, because it was what Yuri wanted.

While he washed up, while he checked that there was no presence of him into that house, he laughed.

Hysterically, the laughter of a madman, and he knew that.

But he couldn’t help it.

It was going to be alright.

He and Yuri would've finally be free to love each other, to be together, nothing on their path.

Yuya would've become just an uncomfortable memory, and nothing else.

Before leaving the apartment, Yamada threw once last glance at Takaki’s body.

And the laughter turned into a smile.

He had taken away his life, he had taken away Chinen.

Yamada had never felt so good in his entire life.

 

_March_

It had been a few weeks ago.

It wasn’t long.

And yet, Yamada thought it would've been enough for the smell of Yuya’s blood to abandon him.

It hadn't been like that.

He felt it on him, like a shadow hovering over him, constantly.

He felt it on that bus too, too tight, where he thought he was going to suffocate.

When he finally reached his destination, he got off.

Rain started hitting his skin but, as predicted, he barely noticed.

He just wanted those drops to clean him up from the blood, from what he had done.

That they would erase Yuya’s face from his mind.

That they would erase Yuri’s voice from his thoughts.

_“I can't, Yamada. I can't look at you, be with you... and think about what’s happened, what you’ve done. I can't. You make me sick.”_

Yuri had cried.

He had cried, and hadn't looked at him the same anymore.

Ryosuke didn’t understand.

He had done it for him... for them.

For them to be happy together.

He had been the one asking, wanting for Yuya to die, for him to kill him, so that he wasn’t going to be forced to face the pain in his eyes if he had been forced to break up with him.

And he had closed those eyes forever, expecting everything to be alright.

It hadn't been like that, and he still struggled to understand why.

He had arrived, at last.

Again in front of the same door, again waiting for it to open, again waiting to know what was going to happen next.

But he had nothing to wait for him now.

He wasn’t going to get any reward, he didn’t expect anything good to come from it.

There was just emptiness inside of him, and he didn’t believe anything was ever going to fill it.

When Chinen came to the door, his eyes were still filled with that disgust Yamada had soon gotten used to.

“What do you want?” he asked, his voice tired, and Yamada could see on his face that hadn't stopped crying much during the past weeks.

He felt no pity for him, just a blinding rage.

He got in, without saying a word.

Then he pushed the younger against a wall, holding his wrists still and kissing him, hard.

He felt him struggle, groan, trying to wiggle out of his hold, but he was stronger.

He kissed him, tasted those lips, the feeling of having him so close, when he had actually grown apart from him in such a terrible way.

When he pulled away, he looked back into his eyes.

The disgust, the hatred were still there.

“I love you, Chii.” he murmured.

Then his hands moved from his wrists to the younger’s throat.

They held tight, and tighter and tighter.

And as much as Yuri struggled, there was nothing he could do to escape that hold.

Once his body had collapsed on the floor, Yamada had a weird déjà vu.

He did nothing to erase his presence from the apartment, not this time.

He didn’t even look again at the body of the man he loved, because this wasn’t how he wanted to remember him.

He rushed out from the apartment, from the building, and this time he truly didn’t know where to go.

It had stopped raining, but it didn’t matter.

He didn’t need to feel clean anymore, because the smell of Yuya’s blood seemed to have disappeared.

The scent of Yuri’s death had a definitely better aroma.


End file.
